100 One-Liners Quotes You Can't Miss

Nearly all lawyers tarnish the reputation of the rest.
Borrow money from someone who sees the glass half-empty—they don’t anticipate repayment.
Time ensures that everything doesn’t happen simultaneously.
The lottery is essentially a tax on people who struggle with math.
I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain just to become a vegetarian.
Don’t respond to letters with no sender’s name.
The top is a lonely place, but the meals are better.
I’m not plagued by insanity; I revel in it.
Attend others’ funerals, or they may skip yours.
Few women reveal their real age, and few men behave their actual age.
If animals weren’t meant for eating, why are they made of meat?
People only start listening when you mess up.
Give me uncertainty—or something entirely different.
We’ve got enough young people; how about discovering a fountain of wisdom?
The last one laughing often took the longest to understand.
Campers: Nature’s snack supply for mosquitoes.
Never forget that you’re one of a kind—just like everyone else.
Being awake is that irritating interval between naps.
There are two types of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
Why is the word “abbreviation” so lengthy?
Bomb the whales.
I began with nothing, and I’ve managed to hold onto most of it.
Change is unavoidable—unless you’re dealing with a vending machine.
Out of my mind—will return in five minutes.
A spotless conscience often points to a faulty memory.
As long as exams exist, so will prayers in schools.
Laughing by yourself makes the world think you’re a fool.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times, I let her keep sleeping.
The harder it is to reach an itch, the worse it feels.
You can’t own everything—where would you store it all?
I took an intelligence test, and it turns out I failed.
Who decided to cancel my dose of reality?
We come into this world exposed, hungry, and crying. Then, it only goes downhill.
Nearly 43% of statistics are fabricated on the spot.
Treat your children kindly—they’ll pick your retirement home.
When you fail initially, erase any proof that you gave it a shot.
How much shallower would the ocean be without all the sponges?
Eat well. Exercise. You’ll still die.
My mind is like a rusty steel trap—outdated and banned in many places.
Nothing is truly foolproof when the fool is skilled enough.
Conversely, your other hand has alternative fingers.
I’ve only ever been wrong once—when I thought I made a mistake.
God created humans, but sin made them corrupt.
I don’t struggle to encounter expenses—they’re omnipresent.
I let my thoughts wander, and they never returned.
Don’t steal; the government despises rivals.
Humpty Dumpty didn’t fall—he was shoved.
April 1st is the official day for atheists.
Every generalization is incorrect.
The more I get to know people, the more I prefer my dog.
Work is for those who don’t know how to fish.
If the news doesn’t suit you, create some of your own.
Each action invites a proportionate and opposing critique.
The IRS: Taking what you have because we can.
I’m awake, dressed, and ready—what more is expected?
I thought I was indecisive, but now I’m uncertain.
I’m fine with pain—until it starts to hurt.
Wherever you go, you’re still present.
If everything is headed your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
It feels like Monday hasn’t ended all week.
Gravity consistently pulls me down.
This declaration isn’t true.
Avoid unnecessary complexity.
They claimed I was naive…and I accepted it as true.
Being superstitious brings misfortune.
To the best of my memory, I can’t recall.
The term “gullible” doesn’t appear in the dictionary.
Honk your horn if you appreciate calm and silence.
The Big Bang Theory: God uttered a word, and BOOM! It came to be.
Atheism is an organization without prophets.
Have you noticed how people continue to embrace life despite its costs?
Protect the whales. Collect them all.
A day without daylight feels like nighttime.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse wins the cheese.
Corduroy pillows: They’re creating buzz!
Gravity: Not just a smart concept, but an actual law!
Mornings make life overly complicated.
We’re all part of the ultimate statistic—everyone eventually passes away.
Perfection is impossible, and I’m no exception.
Feel free to inquire about my vow of silence.
Butter’s firmness is inversely related to how soft the bread is.
The very last thing you’ll do on earth will truly be the last thing you do.
Diplomacy involves guiding others into accepting your way.
If ignorance equals happiness, then tourists must live in pure bliss.
If your first attempt fails, avoid skydiving altogether.
If Barbie is truly beloved, why must you purchase her companions?
Stop habitual offenders by refusing to re-elect them!
My plan is to live indefinitely. So far, it’s working.
Who is “General Failure,” and why is he accessing my hard drive?
What happens if you’re frightened halfway to death twice?
I used to be open-minded, but my thoughts kept slipping away.
Energizer Bunny taken into custody; accused of battery.
I never used to complete sentences, but these days I…
I’ve had memory loss for as long as I can recall.
Bills seem to move through the mail twice as fast as checks.
A vacation starts when Dad says, “I know a quicker route.”
Evolution: Authentic science meets imaginative fiction.
What’s a synonym for “thesaurus”?
Any place is within walking distance if you have enough time.
A flashlight is basically a container for lifeless batteries.
I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

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